you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
