Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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