remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
