I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
