I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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