I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize