Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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