one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
