the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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