No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
