We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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