we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
