The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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