I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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