when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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