first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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