In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
