Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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