the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
