wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
