the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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