I cut my penus on the lid.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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