we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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