My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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