when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
