i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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