i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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