I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
