so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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