i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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