you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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