I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
