two words...techno handjob
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
