it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
birth control should be required to get into college
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
