dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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