So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The Olympian is in my bed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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