But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
