like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
