If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
