a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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