Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
