How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
