Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Congratulations! We have a period
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
