the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
