The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
