Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
