I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
