i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My ass is underappreciated
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
