420 ftw
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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