So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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