No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
