I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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