I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
