OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
