put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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