Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
