Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
